Is it abuse if...?

(Article published in HWW October 2009)

Domestic violence is not as clear as you may think. Sometimes it is hard to tell if something is abuse.

Read these examples and decide – is it abuse if...

A. Susan sees a phone number she doesn’t recognize on her boyfriend’s cell phone so she calls to find out who it is?

      Yes   Maybe   No

B. Rosa tells her boyfriend she wants to go to “ladies’ night” with her friends every Friday?

     Yes   Maybe   No

C. LaToya continues to wear short skirts, even though her husband asked her not to?

     Yes   Maybe   No

D. Juan tells his boyfriend, in front of their friends, that he would look better if he lost a few pounds?

     Yes   Maybe   No

E. While kissing, Tom starts to touch Betty’s breasts. She’s not sure if she wants him to go further, but goes along with it because she thinks she’ll lose him if she doesn’t?

     Yes   Maybe   No

F. Edgar and Lorraine are fooling around and get close to having sex. She stops and says she’s not ready, so he stops and they talk. Edgar tells her that she is messed up, a tease and abusive. Even though Lorraine’s still not ready, she gives in and has sex anyway?

     Yes   Maybe   No

G. Tanisha starts play-fighting with her girlfriend, who tells her to chill. She keeps playing with her, but is only playing and doesn’t cause any bruises or hurt her physically?

     Yes   Maybe   No

H. Maria starts play-fighting with her boyfriend, and they wrestle around on the floor, resulting in bruises on her arm?

     Yes   Maybe   No

I. Fred waits for his girlfriend every day after school outside of the building?

     Yes   Maybe   No

J. Mark decides to break up with his boyfriend. The boyfriend does not want to break up, and threatens to “out” Mark if he goes through with his plan to break up?

     Yes   Maybe   No

K. Joe decides to take a walk around the block any time he gets mad, rather than hit his girlfriend?

     Yes   Maybe   No

L. Angela treats Luis to a nice dinner and a movie. After the date, she invites him up to her place, but Luis declines. Angela accuses him of playing her, saying that she should “get something in return” for her generosity?

     Yes   Maybe   No

ANSWER KEY

A. YES – Emotional Abuse - Susan is violating her boyfriend’s trust.

B. NO – Each person in a relationship has the right to spend time with friends.

C. NO – No one should change his or her style just to suit his or her partner’s wishes.

D. YES – Verbal Abuse - Juan is embarrassing his boyfriend by putting him down.

E. NO – Betty is responsible to tell Tom how she is feeling or try to stop him.

F. YES – Sexual Abuse - Lorraine has stated her feelings and Edgar abuses her by pressuring her.

G. YES – Physical Abuse - Tanisha does not respect her partner’s personal space.

H. NO

I. MAYBE – This could be agreed on by Fred and his girlfriend, or it could be an attempt by Fred to control her.

J. YES – Emotional Abuse - The threat of revealing a secret, like someone else’s sexual orientation, is an abusive weapon of control.

K. MAYBE – Violence is never OK and it is important to cool down before discussing a problem, but if Joe leaves rather than working to resolve conflict in a peaceful way, his leaving may become a way of controlling his partner.

L. YES – Financial Abuse - Angela is trying to control Luis by lavishly spending on him.