PARENTING’S A HARD JOB – HERE’S HELP

(Article published in HWW April 2006)

by Jeri Goodman, Single Parent Resource Center

Being a parent is a really hard job. Being a parent in the shelter system is even more challenging and stressful.

For the past 20 years, the Single Parent Resource Center (SPRC) has provided programs in NYC family shelters to help support homeless children and parents while they wait for permanent housing. We have"Kids’ Club," an after-school program for children ages 6-12, which gives them a place where they can share their feelings about their situation and learn positive coping, communication and problem-solving skills. We also offer a 5-session workshop series for parents that allows them to share their own feelings about parenting while in the shelter system, and learn some practical skills for keeping their families strong.

Here are some tips from our SPRC parent workshops:

1. Remember your family’s strengths. – You may not feel good about yourself right now. You may be feeling guilty that you could not keep your family out of the shelter system. You may feel that others don’t see you as you really are- an individual who is capable, someone with skills, talents and interests. Everyone you meet might not be supportive. They may not always see you at your best. Remember, your family’s identity is about a whole lot more than your current situation. Give yourself some credit for coping during a hard time. Let people see who you are. Use your unique skills, talents and interests to help you cope with your situation and work towards your goals.

2. Talk to your children about what is happening. – Sometimes you may get overwhelmed by your own feelings and forget to talk to your children about what is happening. Sometimes you may feel like protecting your children, so you don’t talk about it. Children see and hear a lot and sometimes they blame themselves for things that aren’t their fault. Just like you, your children may be feeling angry, scared, worried or lonely right now. How they feel may affect their behavior. Be willing to listen to their feelings and concerns. Share enough information with them, in simple words they can understand, so that they know what is going on and what they can expect. Reassure them that you will continue to take care of them and that there are other people who are helping your family, too.

3. Hold on to family rituals and traditions, or create new ones. – Family rituals and traditions — things you do on a regular basis no matter where you are — can help children feel safe and make life seem more normal. They can be big things, like how you celebrate holidays, or small things, like something special you say to your children every night when you put them to bed or every morning when they leave for school. Family rituals and traditions are one thing you can take with you wherever you go. If your old rituals and traditions don’t work where you are now, create new ones.

4. Make stress management a family activity. – Life in the shelter system is stressful. The environment may be hectic and you may feel like you don’t have much privacy. Remember, children also get stressed out. What makes you and your children feel better when you are under stress? Find something that works for you — going for a walk, taking deep breaths, listening to music, daydreaming, reading, drawing, writing in a journal, talking with someone supportive, etc. Whatever it is, do it every day for at least a couple of minutes and encourage your children to do it, too.

5. Get connected! – Parents often feel like jugglers who have to keep all the balls in the air on their own. But you don’t have to do it alone. One of the most useful things you can do is build a strong support system for yourself and your children, no matter where you are living. In the shelter and the neighborhood around it there are lots of services available. The same will be true when you move to permanent housing. Ask questions and find out where the schools, recreation programs, support groups, churches, social service agencies, libraries, and health centers are located. If you need help, ask for it! Don’t be afraid to try different places until you find what works best for you and your family.

Most important, remember that homelessness is going to end for your family. You will get an apartment. While you are in transitional housing don’t forgot your old dreams and goals, even if they need to be put on hold for a while so you can focus on your current situation.

If you are a parent who would like more information about the Single Parent Resource Center please call our Parentline (212) 951-7030, ext. 231. If you work at a shelter and would like more information about our shelter-based programs, contact Patricia Taylor at (212) 951-7030, ext. 226.